Excerpts from The Old Twittestament

14 Mar

News item: Amazon.com has introduced the Kindle 2, the latest version of its electronic-book reading device, which can store up to 1,500 e-books. Amazon offers tens of thousands of titles available for download from its website. Among the most popular: Dozens of different versions of the e-Bible.

***

And the almighty said “Behold I have given you every electronic device which is upon the face of all the earth, and every website, and all proprietary and non-proprietary software and all social media – to you it shall be for surfing and for interacting from afar and for the wasting of great eons of time. “ And it was so.

And behold, it was very good.

***

Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field. And he said unto the Woman: “No one will knoweth should ye eat of the fruit of this tree.” And when the Woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof.

But the cunning serpent had videotaped the woman’s fruit-eating with his cell phone and posted the video to YouTube for all creatures to see. And so Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden of Eden, and the serpent was made to crawl on its belly for the rest of its days and had its Internet use severely curtailed.

***

And so Noah was commanded to build an ark the length of three hundred cubits, the breadth of fifty cubits and the height of thirty cubits. Thus did Noah first Google “cubits” so as to figure out what size to make the vessel.

Of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort did he bring into the ark. And when he Googled the local weather, he foresaw forty days and forty nights of rain. And the waters increased, and bore up the ark, and it was lifted above the earth, and Noah found that the fancy GPS receiver he had paid way too much for on eBay was of no use in finding land.

***

And Abraham built the altar, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him upon the wood. And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

And Abraham’s mobile phone went off, playing a melody unfamiliar to the patriarch. And Abraham said to his son “Hast thou been downloading ringtones again? Doest thou know how many shekels that cost? Those wireless companies are robbing me blind!”

And Abraham answered the phone on the third ring, just before it went to message. And the angel on the line said “Abraham, Abraham”. And he said, “Here am I”. And the angel said, “Lay not thy hand upon the boy.” And Abraham said, “It’s a good thing you called when you did.”

***

And Joseph dreamed a dream. And he posted it as a note on Facebook, “Behold, the sun and the moon and the eleven stars bowed down to me,” he wrote. And then he posted another note called “25 great things I dreamed about myself”. And then he posted a picture of himself wearing a coat of many colors. And then – through their newsfeeds – he invited his brethren to write comments underneath the photo, praising the coat. And then he Facebook-poked them when they did not respond. And then he updated his status: “Joseph is about to have another great dream. Will post more tomorrow.”

And all his brethren hated him yet the more for his poor netiquette. And they unfriended him on Facebook, And they cast him into a pit and sold him to a caravan of Ishmaelites for twenty shekels of silver using PayPal.

***

And Moses did sign up for Twitter and directed a tweet to @Pharaoh. And Moses tweeted “Let My people go.” And Moses posted a link in the tweet to his blog, where Moses posted a blog entry about rivers turning to blood. And another about the borders of Egypt being smited with frogs. And another about all the dust of the earth becoming gnats. And seven more blog entries of even more grievous quality.

But Pharaoh was old. And hardened of heart. And he did not even know how to use Twitter. Lo, he still relied on email. And the occasional fax.

And it came to pass that all of the land of Egypt was plagued with boils. And smiting of first-borns. And massive cascading network failures.

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